F1: Is 2014 Make or Break?

Having stopped laughing at how stupid the new cars look, I’ve had a look at the 2014 season as a whole, and found plenty of reasons why this year will be just as bland and chronically awful as last year, as well as a few causes for optimism. There is a genuine chance that this year could be a fantastic one, and more than just dildo jokes and racing on a level with Chinese water torture.

It’s a very small chance, mind.

The jury is still out on the new cars, but early indicators didn’t look good. We were told that the cars would be ugly, slower, even easier to drive and more unreliable, and the Jerez test seemed to confirm all of those fears. If we disregard the noses, the 2014 crop are some of the most attractive F1 cars in years. But just like if you put a dildo on Christina Hendricks’ nose, her staggering beauty wouldn’t be able to distract you from the fact that she has a sex toy for a nose. The whole ‘anteater’ nose saga is indicative of what the FIA do best; over-regulation to the point of ridiculous compromise.

Another noticeable difference was the sound; the screams of yesteryear replaced by muted barks. But whereas historically turbo F1 cars shouted with unhinged gusto like God’s Marshall amp cranked up to 11, the class of 2014 barely sound any more exciting than a BTCC car, or a Formula Renault car. It’s not bad, but hardly hair-standing-on-end thrilling. Not like the new Corvette C7.R, which roars and snarls like an annoyed T-Rex.

Testing lap times were way down on 2013 pace at Jerez, sometimes as much as five seconds per lap, but it would be unfair to judge exclusively on the first test. For many teams, survival and getting mileage under their belts was the aim. Judging by the extensive wheel-spin and tail-sliding, however, the more torquey engines this year are at least giving the drivers a test of skill. Driving a F1 car should be like trying to surf a nuclear missile: difficult, fast, and with fairly catastrophic consequences if it goes wrong. And as a general rule, cars that are tricky to drive improve a series; the fans get to watch the drivers using all their skill to wrestle with the cars, and drivers (particularly Carl Edwards) enjoy this act of pushing the cars to their limit and feeling like they are responsible for their own destiny, rather than fancy driving aids or excessive down-force.

Nov 17, 2013; Austin, TX, USA; Formula One driver Adrian Sutil (15) during the United States Grand Prix at Circuit of the Americas. Mandatory Credit: Jerome Miron-USA TODAY Sports

However, the fact of the matter is that most race fans yearn for one thing more than any other: thrilling, balls-to-the-wall racing action. Fans weren’t booing Vettel last year because they hated him personally; it was more out of sheer frustration that no-one could catch him, and if anyone overtook each other, they were immediately sent to the naughty step by the Supernanny stewards.

And it seems like F1 is taking tentative steps to try to fix this issue.

Sadly, DRS doesn’t look like it’s going away anytime soon, so get ready for more thrilling Mario Kart turbo-boost overtakes. However, a revised penalty system is now in play, with five-second time penalties to be served before a driver takes his regular pit stop replacing drive-through penalties. Before, a driver would attempt to gain one position, and then be penalized up to ten positions for daring to overtake – no wonder no-one took the risk. This new system means they will only lose the position that they gained ‘illegally’. Crucially this needs to be implemented with more common sense.  There’s nothing more disappointing than watching a spectacular move take place, celebrating, then realizing that he’s been penalized for it. Often for the most trivial of reasons.

It mystifies me why we demonize F1 drivers for, you know, trying to be F1 drivers, which brings me to my next point. I’m not sure how I feel about new fuel limits in play. One major criticism of 2013 was the excessive strategy. Even the drivers were frustrated, shouting on the radio like bored teenagers, demanding to be actually allowed to race. The world’s premier racing series is increasingly becoming a battle of MPG, not MPH. Surely the simple solution would be to allow refueling again? Fuel strategy is a vital part of other similarly lengthen races to F1, like NASCAR and V8 Supercars, and adds an extra level of tension and drama. Stricter limits and no refueling may work, but I highly doubt it.

Nov 17, 2013; Austin, TX, USA; A view of the start of the United States Grand Prix at Circuit of the Americas. Mandatory Credit: Jerome Miron-USA TODAY Sports

Happily, the calendar is looking slightly stronger than in previous years. Herman Tilke’s quest to ruin all racing by designing horrifically boring tracks using maths has been stunted, with two of his more tedious creations off the calendar for this year; India and Korea. One track that he actually improved, the Red Bull Ring (previously the A1-Ring) returns for the first time since 2003, and the new Sochi International Street Circuit looks to follow the lead of Montreal and Sydney Olympic Park in creating exciting street circuits around Olympic venues.

But then we get to Bernie Ecclestone’s biblically stupid double-points gimmick for the final race. Here’s a scenario: Red Bull are still off-pace for the first few rounds, they then come good in the mid-season, then Vettel snatches victory in this final double-points race and with that the championship. Fans worldwide will be furious. They are massively against this plan, as are most of the teams and drivers; I can’t see this plan lasting for longer than a season. It will either not affect the title fight at all, or ruin it beyond all credibility. For the last time, Messrs Ecclestone and Brian France; motorsport does not suit a playoff format.

So overall, there are reasons for cautious optimism ahead of the 2014 season, but they depend on several important provisos. And the fact is, F1 needs a big season this year. It’s last properly great season was 2010, and one-off epic races like Montreal 2011 and Brazil 2012 are already fading into memory. Fans are dissatisfied; with Vettel domination, with races becoming cures for insomnia, with drivers not being allowed to actually be racing drivers. There is a chance that all of these points could be fixed this year, but equally as much chance that they will be made even worse.

For the sake of the world’s biggest motorsport, I hope it is the former.